I am amazed at how often this little thorn pops up. Bias: it’s one word that basically means the prejudice of a person or entity toward a particular subject. I actually like the word “prejudice” better because the word itself explains what I’m talking about: pre-judgment. The point here is that everyone will have certain opinions, including corporations, government, etc., that are based on what they have seen as truth. These opinions arise directly from the experiences they’ve had.
Humans seem to gain knowledge in levels. The first kind of knowledge is academic—someone teaches it to you or you read it in a book. The second kind of knowledge is called experiential, meaning knowledge gained through experience. This is the most powerful knowledge human beings have. It’s like the difference between knowing it’s painful to be physically abused because you’ve read about it in books versus knowing its painful because you were thrown around the house like a rag doll.
The problem is everyone has different experiences. Everyone’s experiential knowledge is different, at least to some degree. So if, for example, you’re reading something by a former athlete turned physician turned psychiatrist turned writer, it might sound a lot like this blog. But if your reading a self help book written by someone who survived the horrors of a Nazi concentration camp, it will sound different (read the extraordinary Victor Frankl book, Man’s Search for Meaning, and you’ll see what I mean).
In psychiatry, we are encouraged to go into psychoanalysis for the primary purpose of being able to recognize our own bias and how we might interject that into therapy with others. The goal, of course, is to keep our own psychological garbage to ourselves and not pass it on to some unwitting patient. And though the analysis definitely helps in this process, it is still very difficult not to let your own bias creep in.
You will likely hear advice from many people over the course of a lifetime. Always remember that, though the words may be well intentioned, they are passing through the filter of another person’s bias. In other words, another person’s advice or opinion will always be colored by their experiences in life.
Am I saying to reject whatever anyone else says if you don’t like the sound of it? No. I’m saying always remember where the information is coming from. And if someone has massive amounts of experience in an area, and it’s experience that comes not only from them, but from many others, then you can be pretty sure they’re going to be pretty close to the truth.
This issue hits home particularly hard with anyone who is trying to sell something. When you invest a large amount of time and energy into learning about a specific product and why it is better than everything else, it becomes very hard to see that product objectively. When you need money based on the sale of that product, your ability to talk about it objectively is almost impossible.
It never hurts to listen to pitches or opinions, but always consider bias. You can always do further research on a matter to find out the truth, but when in question, you can always fall back to the old proverb: “If it seems too good to be true, it probably is.”
Don’t use the word “should”.
Of all the words in our wonderful language, I like this one the least. What a loaded word. When you use the word “should”, what someone hears is: “I know more than you do about this subject, and you would be smart to listen to me.” Now seriously, even if the above is true, is this something you ever want to hear. “Should” is one of those words that implies superiority and no one wants to feel inferior. It’s really that simple.
There are times and places where you may need to use “should”, and it’s always going to be in a situation where you are truly the power figure. Bosses and parents come to mind here. But even in situations where you are in power, there are other phrases that might work better: “You might consider this”, or “Here are some other ways of doing that”.
The worst abuse of the word “should”, however, comes at our own expense. “I should work out more.” “I should eat better.” “I should be nicer to other people.” Why not just say, “I will work out more.” “I will eat better.” “I will be nicer to other people.”
The word “should” somehow creates a degree of separation between us and what needs to be done. If you’re going to do something, do it. If you’re going to correct someone, correct them. “Should” manages to be perfunctory and judgmental all at the same time. Please, avoid this word. Your friends and family will thank you for it.
Don’t complain.
Lou Holtz, a famous NCAA football coach, is reported to have said: “Don’t complain. Ninety percent of the people you complain to don’t care about your problems and the other ten percent are glad you have them.”
I think Lou was right on. When we complain, what we’re basically doing is taking our problems and throwing them out there for someone else to bat around. When you do this, most people will feel obliged to do one of two things: solve the problem or provide solace to help you deal with the problem. It’s just human nature; it will happen. So when you complain, you are, in a very real way, burdening someone else. Why do you think psychiatrists and psychologists get paid to do what they do? It’s because no one else wants to. Solving problems and providing empathy to those with problems is difficult and exhausting if you do it for too long. As a psychiatrist, I’ve always had to work a fairly low number of hours a day, not because psychiatry is physically demanding (you just sit there), but because of the emotional toll it creates. I was just as tired after a particularly bad day in psychiatry as I was after a particularly hard day playing football. That’s how demanding it can be.
I’m not saying you should never burden other people with your problems. There is a time and a place for everything. If you feel overwhelmed by your problems, always share these feelings with friends, family, or health professionals. Tell people who ask and genuinely want to know your concerns your problems. Don’t tell someone who casually asks how you’re doing. And remember, if most of your conversations with someone revolve around your problems, then that’s a one-way relationship, and odds are, you’re wearing the other person out.
In general, if you complain a lot, people will not want to be around you. Ironically, the complainer is the person who very likely needs friends and social support more than anyone.
I’m not advocating that you pretend that everything is always wonderful, but just remember, every time you unload your problems on someone else, you are placing a very real burden on them.
